Your Johari Window is showing and you don’t even notice
We are living in a fluid political environment — whether we like it or not — fueled with uncertainty, anxiety and at times maddening rhetoric from all sides.
Officials and ordinary people alike are doing a lot of talking without taking into consideration whether anyone is actually listening or truly understanding what is being said. Or whether the person talking is even concerned with making any meaningful sense. Are we communicating in ways that translate to action or in ways that connect with anyone other than those who agree with us?
So this leads me to this question: Ever wonder why in mid-conversation with someone, all of a sudden, their expression does not match what you’re saying — they may even look puzzled — and then you both appear confused?
That may be because what you’re saying is not syncing with what your non-verbal expressions (facial and voice inflection) are conveying. Or you may be hiding a key piece of information the other person needs to complete the picture and they’ve honed in on it by noticing your non-verbal cues.
A prime example of this is when you’re saying you’re not angry, but all the while your face is beet red, your voice is raised, your eyebrows are furrowed, and your face is as wrinkled as a prune.
People may make assumptions about you that are far removed from the truth — but all they have to go on in the moment is not only what you’re saying but how you’re saying it. Non-verbal communication adds fuel to the already confusing realm of communication.
Why does this even matter? Confusion can lead to frustration, which can lead to the bubbling up of anger, potentially harming relationships at work or in your personal life.
According to the paradigm of the Johari Window, to gain greater control over your verbal and nonverbal expressions, and in order to have more meaningful conversations, in all aspects of your everyday life, you must first build an environment of trust with yourself and others.
What’s a Johari window? It’s named after Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham, who developed a model for fostering better understanding between individuals when interacting with each other.
In their scenario, building meaningful understanding between individuals starts with you. Yes, that’s right — in order to build trust, you need to get real with yourself and feel comfortable with vulnerability.
In a nutshell, the idea is that while we interact with others there are things that we know about ourselves that others know about us (because we allow them to), things we know about ourselves that other parties don’t know about us (because we don’t allow them to), things that others know about us that we don’t know (usually having to do with how the other person feels or the other person’s experience as it relates to us), and things that we don’t know and other people don’t know either.
This dynamic is illustrated in the form of a 4 quadrant window.
While interacting with others there are two main factors: what you know about yourself and what others know about you. In the Johari Window model these factors are represented as follows:
Areas of ourselves that are known to self (you) and to others. My eyes are brown.
Unknown by self (unless I ask) and known to others. How do I make you feel?
Known by self and unknown to others (unless I tell). I’m hungry and have a hankering for a juicy burger?
Unknown by self as well as unknowns by other.
Area four is the sweet spot — an opportunity for mutual discovery that comes through having meaningful conversations and understanding.
It is through this kind of dialogue that we can begin to achieve a deeper understanding and acceptance of the other, stripping away the “demonizing” and “dehumanizing” labels that are often misplaced.
Only then can we begin stepping out of our bubbles, finding common ground and seeing the other through a different lens. A more human scope.
Now that you’re more familiar with Johari and see how this model can be a building block for productive conversation, are you ready to get to know what Johari has to say about you, in order to foster more meaningful and productive interactions with others?
To get the conversation started, my hope with writing these blogs is to engage a larger community in conversations that will lead to acceptance and some sort of unification amongst diverse human beings.
Come join me on this journey!