Hindsight is 20/20
Have you ever needed a break from social, romantic, familial or professional relationships, stat? Do you remember how you handled it? If you faced a similar situation today, what would you do differently?
In certain instances we may need a break from relationships, and from the chatter of the outside world, without the need to broadcast “World…I’m taking a break now!”
There comes a time in everyone’s lives when we need space to breathe, feel, and think through emotions in our own individual safe spaces, on our own terms. Everybody has different life experiences and handles them in different ways. One way is to abruptly halt communication leaving others to wonder: “What happened? Is she okay? Was it something I said or did, is it ‘my’ fault?”
Without a sound, sometimes a person slips away and we are left with unexpected feelings and emotions and without a clear sense of what to do with them. Unintentionally (or intentionally), a physical and emotional void is created; the relationship is now awkward. What can you do to get what you need without affecting others?
I recently reconnected with an old colleague. We lost touch shortly before I departed the company that we both worked for at the time. She was one of the last people I spoke with before I left.
Almost instantly after my departure, the rumor mill was in full swing, with “curious” colleagues poking and prodding for more information, especially because withdrawing without communicating was so out of character for me. Professionally and personally, I was known as someone who didn’t shy away from a tough-yet-necessary conversation. But I wasn’t ready to talk about it. I needed time to digest my own personal experience and didn’t want it to be crafted and communicated by others. I wanted to tell my own story. On top of that, I was disconnected from my corporate email and I wasn’t yet on the social media scene, which made me seem even more elusive.
Fast forward to nearly 18 months later and the birth of The Glass Room. I reached out to this colleague across the pond, on social media (yes, I've officially dipped a toe into the social media waters,) and despite the ocean between us, she responded immediately. The first thing she said after “I’m so happy to hear from you, I was worried about you” was “I thought I had said something wrong” and that’s the reason I had left without saying a word or keeping in touch.
I was completely taken aback and felt awful. She had absolutely nothing to do with the the circumstances or my actions. In reality, she had been nothing but kind and extremely helpful to me as I faced my crossroads. In that moment of reconnection, I realized that I hadn’t just departed the company — I had also completely dropped off the communication and social radar, which affected her and countless other colleagues.
Even though taking an emotional, mental, and physical break was exactly what I needed at the time, I had also unintentionally “ghosted” everyone I’d left behind. If you’re like me and are just getting familiar with the term, “Ghosting..is having someone that you believe cares about you, whether it be a friend or someone you are dating, disappear from contact without any explanation at all.” A recent New York Times article provides the perfect example of a ghosted man:
“Aaron Leth, 29, a fashion editor, found his texts unanswered when a man he had been dating for a month disappeared after he and Mr. Leth had bought the ingredients for a dinner they planned to cook later that evening. “He went home to take a nap and said, ‘I’ll call you,’ ” Mr. Leth said. ‘I’m still waiting, two years later.’”
Ghosting isn’t new, but because we have so many ways to keep in touch with people, having someone drop off the radar can feel especially hurtful.
I decided to write this blog for those of you that were genuinely concerned for me during that time and who may have been wondering where I went and take this opportunity to say, “I’m sorry it was not your fault.”
If you find yourself in a situation similar to mine, consider the effect your actions may unintentionally have on others. Simply saying “World, I need to take a break now” may be a better alternative to “ghosting” or driving into the sunset.
Conversely, when you encounter a situation where the actions of another person triggers an adverse reaction in you, and find yourself scratching your head in puzzlement “Was it something I said or did?” Stop and consider that it may have nothing to do with you. You may have just been the last person on the line before the line went dead. There’s a popular online blog “The Last Message,” that compiles the last texts people received from a loved one or friend. Spending a few minutes on the blog will help you understand the myriad reasons why people “drop off the face of the planet.”
Because of my experience, I’ve been thinking about how we can meet people where they are, and how we can give someone space when they need to “disappear,” instead of blaming ourselves for their actions. A good first step is to acknowledge and explore the feelings that surface and really sit with why we’re reacting this way.
A dear friend once told me that in a situation when you feel that all odds are against you and you’re at the center of if all, consider the context of the situation and think of yourself as a plain baked potato. There may be other forces at play and in the grand scheme of things the focus may not be you. During these situations it may simply be that you’re not that important. The other person may be working through something on their own terms in their own time.
The next time someone slips away into the night, acknowledge your feelings and where they’re coming from, without judging them or yourself, and try putting yourself in their shoes. Perhaps the person simply needed time to sort through the situation, or time to understand their own feelings and emotions.
And when they decide to reenter the relationship, let them know how you were affected by the situation, and welcome them as I was welcomed “It’s so good to hear from you.” Because we all have different life experiences and reactions to them, and you never know another’s journey, until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes, empathy is always a great place to meet.
It is said that in healthy communication the first thing to acknowledge is that the “intent” of your actions may have nothing to do with the “effect” of your communication. So the next time you consider “ghosting” someone, come join me in exploring how you may find alternatives to handling the situation differently this time.